13 months ago - the decision to adopt a second time

Prior to adopting our first daughter we had always talked in terms of applying for a second adoption. On the day we sent our first file to China I made our case worker and my husband laugh when I asked ‘when can we apply for no.2’. I think in the back of my mind was an intention that we would apply as soon as it was allowed (which under local law is the one year anniversary of returning home).

However, when the one year anniversary came, both of us knew that for our family it was way too soon. We still felt that we were finding our feet as parents. We were totally in love and in awe of this little person – how could we love someone else as much as we loved her.

Also we were just entering a new phase – at the one year anniversary I had to return to work (local regulations require 1 year off work post adoption – although this can be shared by the parents, although somewhat discouraged) and I was finding my feet as a working mum.

Personally, I felt ‘overwhelmed’ on a number of levels.

There was a period where both of us considered that one child was enough. I think I came back around to the idea of a sibling first – some people might think this is unusual because I am the only child and my husband had a sibling.

As an only child with ageing parents I began to think about how our daughter would feel about the lack of ‘close family’ (ie a sibling) when we were elderly or no longer around. Personally I am fortunate because I have a close relationship with cousins who are a similar age to me (‘sisters’ without the sibling rivalry); our daughter’s cousins are much older than her and don’t have much in common – so I knew she was not necessarily going to have that relationship to fall back on. Our daughter does have a close relationship with her orphanage ‘sisters’ but I was unclear whether that would be long term a ‘substitute’ for a sibling.

The issue of having someone in the family with a ‘shared experience’ also was at the back of my mind.

We headed back to China on a return visit two years after our daughter’s adoption (part of our plan to try and visit China every two years) still with the belief that she would be an only child.

We spent three days in her ‘home’ town and had unlimited access to the orphanage. She had a great time visiting and playing with the babies, as did we. And while you can’t but feel moved by all these little ones wanting to be picked up and held, our decision to adopt again was not a lightening bolt at this point. But I do think it igniting a slow fuse in all three of us.

We returned to home and our daughter continued to talk constantly about the babies in the orphanage - what they were doing now? had their families come for them yet? Her interest in babies was heightened (actually ignited I guess because I don’t recall it being there before).
I started thinking more strongly about giving our daughter a sibling but didn’t mention anything to my husband. But a couple of weeks after our return, the possibility of a promotion came up for my husband and one of the first things out of his mouth was ‘if I got this promotion we could afford to adopt again’ (not that I ever thought money was a barrier). The ‘door’ was slightly ajar and I made sure I got my foot firmly planted in it before it shut again.

‘My foot got quite bruised’ there for a while as my husband tried to pull the door shut again. But as he had raised the topic first he knew I knew he had been thinking about it. Numerous discussions about the pros and cons ensued. But once we made our decision it was full speed ahead and my husband got me to phone the Case Worker the next day.

I have to say the decision was not taken lightly and I think that the second time around the decision was more complex than the first time. The first time we were fulfilling a need in us to provide for a child. The second time we had to factor in the short and long term impact of a decision either way on our first child. And the responsibility of that did weigh on us.

The next big decision was whether to tell our daughter about our plans or not. We decided that it was very important for her to know, not least as a way for her to understand why it had taken us so long to be ‘united’ with her.

We had named our daughter before we were allocated (actually more like 7 years before we were allocated). And she has helped select the name for her future sister – actually she had the casting vote as my husband and I preferred different names – she went with my choice (good girl).

She participated very loudly in our homestudy interviews (as she was 3 ½ yo at the time she did not have to be formally interviewed). In simple terms, she knew we had to write to the officials in China and ask to adopt her sister and the social worker was helping us to write this ‘letter’.

When she started pre-school at the beginning of the year, her classmates’ families were experiencing a mini-baby boom. At this point she so wanted to have a sibling and it helped her to know one would be on the way eventually (she knows it will be long time) and she happily tells her friends she is getting a sister or sometimes it is she ‘has a sister and she is in China’ (on occasions this has not been communicated correctly by her friends back to their parents because I have been asked ‘where is your other child?’).

Although she knows it will be a long time, she doesn’t quite have the concept of exactly how long ‘long’ might be (in fact we don’t either). As the wait continues to extend I occasionally have my doubts about did we tell her too soon, but then we have an animated and joyful conversation (at her request) about what it will be like when her sister comes home and everything feels right again.

I have had a few people outside adoption circles question why we told her, when the wait is so long - most notably my doctor who said ‘how are you going to deal with it if the adoption doesn’t happen?’ – I said no differently than the families of any of your patients that experiences the loss of a baby through miscarriage or still birth – we would all grieve for the loss. This was not something that I had actively considered before, but there are always risks in life, and intercountry adoption, you either embrace them or you hide from them.

Christmas is a time for giving...how about giving a gift that makes a difference

I think that as you get older you realise that the person that dies with the most 'stuff', doesn't necessarily win. Rather it is probably the person that makes the most difference for the better.

Having travelled to China and visited our daughter's orphanage and also visited rural areas and seeing the poverty, it is easy to become overwhelmed and almost 'paralysed' - there is so much to do, where to start. With small steps - even the smallest amount in monetary terms in the West and have a life long impact in China.

As Christmas approaches again I begin to realise there is not much I really 'need' or even for that matter want (other than what money can't buy and which can only be given by the CCAA). Maybe you feel the same.

For many, Christmas has become a time of commercialism run rampant. We can choose instead a gift that will make a difference. Many of the children in China’s orphanages need the basics of life and a few things to make their lives a little brighter.

If you live in Australia you might like to consider making a donation to the FCC-Australia/Amity Christmas appeal.

Families with Children from China Australia Inc (FCC-Australia) is the only Australian parent group that acts solely for families who have adopted, or who are in the process of adopting children of Chinese ethnicity. FCC-Australia is run entirely on a voluntary basis. One of FCC-Australia’s major goals is to advocate for and support children remaining in orphanages in China. In the last 2 years FCC-Australia has sent almost A$30 000 to Amity from fundraising and member donations.

Through this program you can give your family a 'gift' and child in an orphanage an even bigger gift of:

• an education;
• life-changing surgery
• books
• someone to hug or
• mobility via a wheelchair

FCC-Australia has been working with the Amity Foundation to provide some of these requirements. There is so much that needs to be done. Below are some suggestions from Amity.

• Hugging Grandmas A$750.00 per annum- These women provide the love and care that orphanage staff do not always have the resources to provide.
• Foster Care A$55.00 per month -In home family care
• Schooling A$355 per annum - Children being cared for by foster families are not guaranteed an education. Extra funds are required to provide this.
• Medical Needs (ie incubators, sterilising equipment, microscopes, medicines, vitamins,
  rehab equipment) for example a wheel chair costs A$200.00

All donations by Australians are tax deductible via the National Council of Churches in Australia. If you'd like to make a gift donation FCC-Australia will send you a card with details of the supported project.

For further information about any of the projects, please contact
Jan Williamson
GPO Box 12
Hobart
Tasmania 7001
email: jwilliamson@dodo.com.au

Further information about Amity can be found at http://www.amityfoundation.org/

Further information about FCC-Australia can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FCC-Australia

Taking our daughter back to visit her orphanage

In September 2005 we took our daughter back to China for a holiday and an visit to her hometown and her orphanage. Despite my concerns prior to our visit she loved being able to visit the babies everyday while we were in Fuling.

I'm not sure that she had any conscious memories of the SWI (even though she was 13 1/2 months when we were united). But we talked about it a lot in the lead up to our trip - she knew she would be visiting the babies and meeting her nannies.

Being a typical shy 3 yo she didn't really want to have anything to do with the nannies when we arrived - it always takes her some time to warm up to a new social setting. This was hard for Director Yang and the nannies because they really wanted to give her a hug. But she did agree to sit on our friend's lap next to DirectorYang and look through the photo album we took (after all it was about her favourite subject - herself).

But as soon as that was over she announced that she wanted to see 'Her room' and 'her cot' now. So in we went - me with my heart in my mouth because I didn't know how she would react when she saw it - I needn't have worried she took it like a trooper, straight over the barrier.

I don't know if any of you are familiar with the classic British sci-fi 'Dr Who' but if you are the next scene was like the invasion ofthe Dalek - because a wall of babies in baby walkers surged towards her and surrounded her. She was completely trapped and little hands were reaching out to her - that she didn't mind but she didn't like being trapped. The babies did the same to me but I was able to stepover. At one point I tried to move forward but something was stopping me - the strap on my bag was hanging down and I found onevery determined but happy (I've caught you!) baby hanging off the end of it - not sure if she was trying to stop me getting away or thought she might get a tow.

In relation to the 'her cot' we showed her where we were told her cot stood on our visit to collect her. She was so interested in seeing what was in the cots. There were definitely less babies inthe room that we visited immediately post SARS in 2003 and therefore less cots.

There were also areas of matting near the TVs and we saw a number of babies out of their walkers and being given the opportunity to crawlaround and explore.

Our daughter wanted to know what the babies were wearing, what they were playing with and what they were doing. She wanted to know where their nappies (diapers) were and was fascinated with the split pants (to the point of becoming our official split pant spotter for the rest of our China trip). She witnessed a few lightening fast nappy changes.

We gave Emily her own camera to record her trip and the babies - she loved it. And throughout the visit she would buzz in and out of the rooms to visit the babies and take photos.

The babies still watch the big screen TV and love music - at one point they were all outside on the verandah and the nannies turn onthe TV - it must have been time for a favourite program because as soon as they heard the theme music there was a stampede back intothe room. We have to report that there are quite a few little 'headbangers' in the making because they were all bopping along in their walkers like they were at a heavy metal concert - it was a hoot.

On other occasions the nannies turned music on and clapped and danced and the babies were bopping and grooving along.

What really impressed me is that some of the babies were really babywalker artists - they would twirl and twist those walkers and hurtle forward and backwards giggling away.

Our daughter had a great visit and I'm sure she has some lovely new memories of the SWI - she is still talking about the babies and the nannies (even a year later - and that she would like the babies at childcare to wear split pants).

How do the carers in the orphanages keep track of the babies?

It had not occurred to me to even consider this until I made the return trip to my daughter's orphanage in Fuling.

I knew that the cots had the babies' names on them but how did they keep track of 30 babies in baby walkers in a room and not put them back in the wrong cot.

Well during our visit in September 2005 we found out - actually our friend who travelled with us and translated for us pointed it out to me first (I was having too much fun photographing babies swarming around me to see the detail).

Each of the babies had their name (or at least the last character) written on their forearms. Actually having spoken with the nannies those who are working with the babies day in day out know them all by name, so the name on the arm wouldn't be necessary for them.

However, we did see the medical staff come in and administer injections to some of the babies who were poorly and I think that this is probably when the name on the arm becomes very important.

Our friend stayed at the SWI and was able to observe the early morning routine (while we were struggling to get a 3 yo back at the hotel to wake up get dressed and have breakfast - mind you the question 'do you want to go and see the babies' worked wonders) -when she visited the rooms before breakfast in the SWI canteen shes aid that the medical staff were giving all the babies regular checkups. We also observed the nannies regularly taking temperatures of those children with runny noses etc (or signs of upper respiratory tract infections).