13 months ago - the decision to adopt a second time

Prior to adopting our first daughter we had always talked in terms of applying for a second adoption. On the day we sent our first file to China I made our case worker and my husband laugh when I asked ‘when can we apply for no.2’. I think in the back of my mind was an intention that we would apply as soon as it was allowed (which under local law is the one year anniversary of returning home).

However, when the one year anniversary came, both of us knew that for our family it was way too soon. We still felt that we were finding our feet as parents. We were totally in love and in awe of this little person – how could we love someone else as much as we loved her.

Also we were just entering a new phase – at the one year anniversary I had to return to work (local regulations require 1 year off work post adoption – although this can be shared by the parents, although somewhat discouraged) and I was finding my feet as a working mum.

Personally, I felt ‘overwhelmed’ on a number of levels.

There was a period where both of us considered that one child was enough. I think I came back around to the idea of a sibling first – some people might think this is unusual because I am the only child and my husband had a sibling.

As an only child with ageing parents I began to think about how our daughter would feel about the lack of ‘close family’ (ie a sibling) when we were elderly or no longer around. Personally I am fortunate because I have a close relationship with cousins who are a similar age to me (‘sisters’ without the sibling rivalry); our daughter’s cousins are much older than her and don’t have much in common – so I knew she was not necessarily going to have that relationship to fall back on. Our daughter does have a close relationship with her orphanage ‘sisters’ but I was unclear whether that would be long term a ‘substitute’ for a sibling.

The issue of having someone in the family with a ‘shared experience’ also was at the back of my mind.

We headed back to China on a return visit two years after our daughter’s adoption (part of our plan to try and visit China every two years) still with the belief that she would be an only child.

We spent three days in her ‘home’ town and had unlimited access to the orphanage. She had a great time visiting and playing with the babies, as did we. And while you can’t but feel moved by all these little ones wanting to be picked up and held, our decision to adopt again was not a lightening bolt at this point. But I do think it igniting a slow fuse in all three of us.

We returned to home and our daughter continued to talk constantly about the babies in the orphanage - what they were doing now? had their families come for them yet? Her interest in babies was heightened (actually ignited I guess because I don’t recall it being there before).
I started thinking more strongly about giving our daughter a sibling but didn’t mention anything to my husband. But a couple of weeks after our return, the possibility of a promotion came up for my husband and one of the first things out of his mouth was ‘if I got this promotion we could afford to adopt again’ (not that I ever thought money was a barrier). The ‘door’ was slightly ajar and I made sure I got my foot firmly planted in it before it shut again.

‘My foot got quite bruised’ there for a while as my husband tried to pull the door shut again. But as he had raised the topic first he knew I knew he had been thinking about it. Numerous discussions about the pros and cons ensued. But once we made our decision it was full speed ahead and my husband got me to phone the Case Worker the next day.

I have to say the decision was not taken lightly and I think that the second time around the decision was more complex than the first time. The first time we were fulfilling a need in us to provide for a child. The second time we had to factor in the short and long term impact of a decision either way on our first child. And the responsibility of that did weigh on us.

The next big decision was whether to tell our daughter about our plans or not. We decided that it was very important for her to know, not least as a way for her to understand why it had taken us so long to be ‘united’ with her.

We had named our daughter before we were allocated (actually more like 7 years before we were allocated). And she has helped select the name for her future sister – actually she had the casting vote as my husband and I preferred different names – she went with my choice (good girl).

She participated very loudly in our homestudy interviews (as she was 3 ½ yo at the time she did not have to be formally interviewed). In simple terms, she knew we had to write to the officials in China and ask to adopt her sister and the social worker was helping us to write this ‘letter’.

When she started pre-school at the beginning of the year, her classmates’ families were experiencing a mini-baby boom. At this point she so wanted to have a sibling and it helped her to know one would be on the way eventually (she knows it will be long time) and she happily tells her friends she is getting a sister or sometimes it is she ‘has a sister and she is in China’ (on occasions this has not been communicated correctly by her friends back to their parents because I have been asked ‘where is your other child?’).

Although she knows it will be a long time, she doesn’t quite have the concept of exactly how long ‘long’ might be (in fact we don’t either). As the wait continues to extend I occasionally have my doubts about did we tell her too soon, but then we have an animated and joyful conversation (at her request) about what it will be like when her sister comes home and everything feels right again.

I have had a few people outside adoption circles question why we told her, when the wait is so long - most notably my doctor who said ‘how are you going to deal with it if the adoption doesn’t happen?’ – I said no differently than the families of any of your patients that experiences the loss of a baby through miscarriage or still birth – we would all grieve for the loss. This was not something that I had actively considered before, but there are always risks in life, and intercountry adoption, you either embrace them or you hide from them.